LIFE IN THE CITY

09/11/1999, 04:30 am, Life in the City:

There’s something to find, but I still don’t know what it is. The city is fading away, just before my eyes. Sometimes my eyes get used to a fading movement too, lacking my soul behind. Until here the promise of the day seems impossible to reach.

Still searching but not finding, I seek and touch the shadows of my own reality and start to become slowly a forgetful part of it. Mixed and divided, these pale realities comes and go, just like my own soul, always apart from itself. My thoughts now have so many natures, some of them are still seeking something but some of the others have been hiding those bits of hope that I have found on the way, and there’s still light outside but I can’t see it.
So it is the night inside...

Having just my eyes to see, instead of my soul, I forcefully try to look at the city and its own reality, but, as it should be, there’s just my eyes to be sought, as a kind of reality. They might see themselves, if only they could see what it is saw.

There’s not too much left apart of it. To see is to look at the looking, and to look is letting go. My eyes don’t hold anything, but have been held by what now is called my soul. Reality is just the motion from one held moment to the other, and all the rest is shadows. In the corner of this empty vision there are just the dreams of another pair of eyes seeking. It is another gaze I gave to reality in the past, as if it could say to me that there can be hope yet. And these visions are made of pale approaches to the very nature of shadows.

That’s the city. But there’s no kind of motion in this reality. Everything stands in the silence of the night, where this play takes its place. I dream over it. I play too, like many others, but I’m still keeping myself apart from it.

Those dreams with which I play now, they’re just the lack of her love in my soul, for I was called by her to be into her arms, inside her heart too, but I couldn’t move myself through. And now, that I do see my own seeing, there’s not too much to hold on. It is just my lonely eyes seeking. They know what they wish, forever her into my sight. But still there are those shadows between, with which I make my useless dream.

In these stage, everything is everlasting, always standing but without being. And there are other corners passing through the inward paths of this city too. Reality’s essence, the movement of the soul, now stands without its inner core of love. So now there are no movements in the eyes anymore, it just faded away too. Just my eyes stand, alone in the stage, but totally emptied. And with my soul’s motion, goes reality too. My eyes don’t see anymore. They just stand still, in the middle of its own blind sight. That’s the city I had talked about. It’s a very huge and large city, with the width of my dreams, but just filled with empty eyes and its shadows. In these times, reality becomes the scenery for those shadows, echoes of eyes long ago without their soul.